| long time since i posted here. should be a dead blog by now.
well if you're still reading this, ahha dun worry too much ya. remember this is my DARK blog and I'll just use it to rant, and feel better the next day onwards. so yes, i'm not sucidal :)
thou talking about suicide, I can understand how some kids wanna jump off when they get bad results and stuffs like that. I felt my world ending if my data are all lost in the HDD in the recent shock last weekend. lucky it didn't. no i didn't think abt jumping off somewhere, but i seriously felt very down. so down i wish a miracle will happen and just transport me somewhere else and leave all these behind. I just want to be alone.
Isolation. For all you know, I'm at the brink of depression even. Being so emotional (that includes laughing hysterically) I get upset easily at the same time. I know I'm hopeless at times when i can't stay up and stuffs, and it has always been hurting when my family gave up to wake me up for lunch. yes it's my fault i should set my alarm, but sometimes it's so comfortable i just sleep on and didn't realise it's in the afternoon already. with the sudden freak out on fri-sat about my hdd, i stayed up to redo work, trying to remember what i did and tried not to tell myself 'eh, these values dun look the same'. I remember myself trying to sleep at 6.30am but tossed around coz i kept thinking how stupid I was to not backup. In the midst, I woke myself up, realising I was slamming my fist on the pillow in my dreams. man that was scary. the second time i woke in shock was 8.40am. tried to wake my senses and dance at 9am. depressed about my HDD. heng by 12 noon dear called to say it wasn't my HDD but the power supply coz of the new DVD drive. HENG la.
his parents drove us back, and on the way we had duck rice near south beona vista road. reached his house and watched less than 5 mins of tv i was yawning away. his mum made the bed and asked us go sleep, coz she knew we both stayed up for the comp. till 6pm. rushed home for dinner and it was raining on my way back. well our houses are a Bishan Park away but the heavy rain really got in the way. accompanied my family to watch show and everything, and sorta told them abt my comp problem coz of the DVD drive. i guess they didn't know what the heck's the problem, only concerned about burning more DVDs, the drive only at $75. they knew nothing about the devastation of losing data near submission date, losing sleep for work, and losing more sleep for my dental problems. I'm so problematic, and i expect so much attention. yeah yeah, middle child syndrome right? ok officially 1st child here, but those who are close would know otherwise.
so yes i overslept. feeling so much more relaxed my work is not gone. scarily at 3.30pm. woke up feeling so hungry. and i know damn, sure going to get scolded for waking so late. and i was not wrong. ok not scold la. but they left a lot of food for me. and i have to finish it, only to get ready to eat the next meal at 5.30 when dad knocks off. (yes my dad work on sundays). mum said, next time if tired then tell her earlier i wanna sleep in. so no need to cook my share. i said, why dun you wake me up??? she said, dun wan, see me sleep until like that dunwake me up. i was like, ok i know you're concerned, but when i'm tired, i really sleep until the whole world collapse and dun know a shit. the long hours of sleep only gave a headache and gastric pains. but can I complain? no. of course not.
so yes, wanting to go home for comfort, i only brought more pain on myself, knowing that there's no lunch for me in future. i know i'm just kicking up a fuss for nothing but just let me rant k. if i keep nagging at my bf i think one day he'll burst too. i feel so stupid vying for attention. I dun like roasted duck. never did like. but it used to be bought coz it's expensive and it's bought like once or twice a week in the past as a form of enjoyment. my sis and her bf loves roasted duck, he's nice too to keep buying home for my mum coz she likes. i'm just sian when she goes, this weekend know you all come back, specially buy roasted duck for you all. you ALL? does anyone in the family really know what i like to eat? what i like to drink? i think sis' bf is at home more often then i do. heck. i was surprised ma bought f&n orange for me last week coz she said i like it. haha yes, many many years ago.
maybe i didn't open myself up more? I dunno man, i always get cut off from what i tell them. i'm proud of my dances, they hear nought. i'm proud of my little acheivements otuside, they hear nought. i think i'm boring. all just all too proud. they can't be bothered to listen maybe. I give up. I mean, seriously, i'm tired to tell them. I admit i'm a vry family person. the people that gives me drive in my work are my family, and when I dun seem to get their support or acknowledgement, i break down. how useless is that? yes, i'm just too concerned over how ple see me. i dun care about outsiders, but what about my family. when they turn their back on me, i collapse. big time. sucker.
I dun wnat to be compared, nor do i want my acheivements to be associated with the GOOD things that they did. why?
I'm beginning to sound like mum. i need so much support, and one fine day, i'm not going to get anymore.
tired. really tired.
yes about depression, i know only i can get myself out of it. only when i'm selfish and do things i like, i find happiness. only to come back from the temporal euphoria and realise the adverse effects.
sometimes at home, heard the saying of 'can't hide two tigers in one mountain' right. i think it's the case for me and mum. i'm angry whenever she refutes what i say. i told her that the sofa had problem. she say re-keep the thing and check again. i was shocked and said we had a hard time to put it back, and now want to open again? she went, dun hide away from your problems, must face it!! ok i know there's truth in it, and sometimes i feel sad coz i know she's scolding herself. (yes she thinks her marriage was one big stupid thing in her life). so i keep quiet. once i'm quiet, i'm expressionless and given my features, i look as if i'm giving a black face. so the next complain came. "everytime tell you off you give black face, next time go out work see how you goin to handle". only for me to look up shocked and wondered why she said that. i never black why she said i was black-faced??? but why she always doesn't listen to the suggestions i give??? only for someone else in the family to repeat the suggestions will she consider and think it's good. i'm tired. i know the striking resemblance with her isn't doing her any good. coz when she's angry at herself, she's angry with me too. i'm inferior in her eyes, that's how i feel. quite hard to talk it out and let it go, coz by the time i let go, i'll return home only to be reminded of it.
in the midst of such horrible thoughts, i knew i was near depression and need to get out of it. I fear the thoughts of post-natal in future. coz i know i wil ganchiong, and start blaming myself whenever something bad happens. I'm one big freaked out mum. i remembered dear told me it's ok if we dun have children, coz child-bearing is very painful and he's scared of losing me in the process. me with the more traditionally thinking, felt we should have one coz he's the only one to carry on the family line. how to break it like that? i know he's fine abt it, but this time, i'll really want to ask, can we not have one? I think if i can't handle it, i'll become one big depressed mum with a emotionally affected kid and a broken family.
I want to be away on a long holiday. I wonder if anyone will miss me when I'm gone. Not a good friend, not a good daughter, not a good sister, not a good gf, not a good wife in future.
p/s. i hope no one reads this phantom post but if you do, dun worry ya. i'll be fine a few days. just letting my fingers do the work and vent out. if you really want to help me, help make time stop.
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